In the absence of any real material to write about, I'm just gonna slag some stuff again intead... It's not all bad news of course. This is also my 100th post! Hurray!
TODDLA T ~ WATCH ME DANCE
The title track from Toddla's (formerly) forth coming album (now released a month early thanks to some bastard journalist leaking it earlier this week) this track has a bombastic swagger that brims with the kind of confident yet restrained quality that you would expect from anything that Roots Manuva lends his name to. Toddla's last album Skanky Skanky was a blinder and the new one is no different. However, I am of the opinion that this could've been a lot dirtier... I am still looking forward to his set at Secret Garden Party!
NERO ~ PROMISES
While nowhere near as good as their breakout hit 'Guilt', this new offering from the dubstep/D'n'B chart invaders is still a rousing piece of dance pop with an interestingly stylised and glossy video in which they use the ReacTable, a piece of musical hardware developed in Spain and pioneered in live music by Bjork and Damian Taylor in 2007. It's cool to see such an amazing instrument getting more exposure but it's only ever used decoratively here and as a result none of the youtube commentators seem to even notice it, instead preferring to talk about whether or not the singer should get her teeth straightened. Which brings us onto the dilemma of flirting with the mainstream. You could argue for hours about whether or not this is a crime against dubstep or not but at the end of the day, the more commercial club music that takes its inspirations from the underground the better, as it's miles less suicide-inducingly awful as the sort of shite we're usually subjected to and as a result, commercialisation of certain genres always pushes them deeper underground and forces artists on the fringes to push boundaries further. It's healthy people, relax!
RIZZLE KICKS ~ DOWN WITH THE TRUMPETS
No, I didn't know about them before they got big, so I can't comment on whether or not they've sold out but I do know that this is going to be one of those summer tunes that will be blasting out at festivals up and down the country (a bit like Yolanda Be Cool's hit We Speak No Americano last year) but that we may all be sick of by September. The bassy buzz of the house rhythm and the sampled brass section are undeniably infectious and uplifting. A wobbly pop surprise and a breath of fresh air...
THE SATURDAYS ~ NOTORIOUS
In the absence of Girls Aloud the Saturday's have often been considered the next best thing but rarely have they ever released anything deserving of the comparison. Here however they step up to the plate and deliver a floor filling belter of a pop tune with a sexy rolling bassline and beats that are sufficiently fidget inducing. It won't win any critical acclaim by any means but it has a fun vibe that is absent from so much of the faux-serious pop being made by the plethora of 'artistes' with messiah complexes we are constantly being bombarded with at the moment. Oh and they all look well fit.
JLS ~ SHE MAKES ME WANNA ft. DEV
If you're from Peterborough, like me, you'll know that JLS are heroes, mainly cos Aston Merrygold (seen here in contractually obligated shirtlessness) is a local lad. But much as I sound cynical, JLS are at least further proof that it's generally the people who DON'T win X Factor/Pop Idol etc that actually go on to have careers. (Joe McElderry anyone? Still no second single Matt Cardle?) So hats off to them.
That's not to say necessarily that this is good, cos it isn't really, fun and catchy as it may be. It's got those 90s euro trance synth chords that have been in roughly 1 in every 4 pop songs released in the last 12 months and features the currently fashionable practise of name dropping places, like LA, London, Ibiza, Miami, and ambitiously, the whole of Africa! (Still no love for anywhere in Asia in the pop charts though...)
It also features a middle eight 'rap' by what looks like a Ke$ha tribute act. Apparently she is called Dev, but judging from her disastrously delivered and totally dire lyrics I think div is probably a better name.
JOE JONAS ~ SEE NO MORE
The pretty one from the Jonas brothers steps out on his own! Shock! If you're like me you'll be gladly oblivious to the Jonas brothers and this information will mean nothing to you. Yes I've heard their music a few times while watching television, but thankfully, not a single note has ever wormed its way into my head, proving that they have failed to live up to the one basic tenet of pop scripture. Catchiness. Thusly even Rebecca Black shits all over these dullards and this solo offering is no different. It's so bland and inconsequential that I can't even remember how it goes and I've just listened to it. It sounds like Enrique Eglasias quietly farting in his sleep. See no more? I'd like to hear no more either thanks! Terrible.
ANTON LORIEN ~ WE ARE THE BRITS
Now, I've saved the worst for last. I genuinely feel brain damaged after seeing this.
A dire, hackneyed, mawkish and overwrought piece of sappy nationalist propaganda that 'proudly' celebrates the great British values of "freedom through strength of arms" among other dubious things, with images of war and the sound of churning helicopter blades accompanying images of the royals in all their finery. It also uses the plight of our young and brave yet misused service men and women fighting a pointless war as a way of making anyone who doesn't agree seem unpatriotic or a traitor. The uploader has even disabled all ratings and is deleting all negative or critical comments. Democracy indeed!
However, this is bringing a little too much politics into things and though i could go on, I won't, because regardless of the political slant, this is an absolutely terrible piece of 'music'. It almost seems like a parody it's so knuckle bitingly cheesy. The singer has a forced Butlin's charisma in the saccharine video that is uncomfortable to watch and it's so tacky and typical of the kind of dumbed down, watery, granny-pleasing shit-juice that occasionally spills into our mass media around a noble cause that I almost expected Mr Blobby to make a cameo appearance for the final chorus surrounded by singing children. Or perhaps Robson and Jerome.
Lyrically it sounds like someone has just sang some random phrases from Wikipedia and it amazingly manages to fit in the national anthem during the middle eight, sung in tear-inducing falsetto.
However, that said, the chorus, which reads " We're the Brits, you better get used to it ... We're the Brits and we're in your face.." is quite an amazing and incisive analogy of Britain's attitude to foreign policy throughout history. And while I'm not saying that British influence has been 100% negative, we've dominated most of the world, made our language the global default communication, enslaved more people and changed more societies than I could begin to list, so shouting about it in this smug boastful way seems a bit uncalled for, we get the message!
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That's enough, my ears are bleeding...
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